Marriage advice: We devised a "friendly" way to keep our neighbor out of our lawn. He's furious. - Slate Magazine

Follow Jenée Signed Up For Email Alerts Error Signing Up For Email Alerts Close Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday. I’m Pick Me Dammit writing with an update: First, to clarify for commenters, I own the house, and we aren’t married. He is freakishly conflict-averse. And he’s retired/disabled, so he’s home in the neighborhood all day, whereas I’m at work and rarely speak to the neighbors. We cooled off for a couple of days and talked again. We agreed to try a less expensive, less permanent solution for the driving-challenged neighbor and put up some bright yellow, inexpensive A-frame signs. They say “No Entry,” which I thought was friendlier than “No Trespassing.” They should help her see where to stop, and can be moved to mow. My guy agreed that if this didn’t work, we’d get some boulders. Yesterday, the neighbor came over FURIOUS because he just noticed the signs. My guy explained it’s “our” property, and we decided to help his guest avoid damaging our property again. Neighbor says he’s going to put up a six-foot fence between us. This is ridiculous because it’s against code, and he wouldn’t be able to access the gate to his own backyard. We are hoping the neighbor was drunk and will forget the fence idea. But if not, my guy and I have agreed that if it comes up again, we will handle it together. And he actually said I was right out loud. What a great update!! I mean, not the part about the potentially drunk and totally irrational neighbor, but the part about you and your partner coming to an agreement. I love to hear it. Thanks! Your question has been submitted. I partially disagree with your answer to Sad Mom. This does not mean her marriage is on the rocks. I think she needs to learn her “husband speak.” We all process things differently. Her husband tried to feed and dress the kids and get them out the door when they weren’t used to him getting them ready. I can only imagine the chaos and why the flowers weren’t in a vase yet. She should have made it her day the way she asked and not taken it upon herself to empty the dishwasher, clean, do laundry, shop, or make dinner if she hadn’t wanted to. A simple, “Honey, can you throw some laundry in? Honey, could you empty the dishwasher?” No reservations? Then his making grilled cheese, hamburgers, hot dogs, or something at home could have worked. Instead, it sounds like she took everything upon herself in a huff because she was woken by a screaming kid, didn’t have her own separate breakfast, and then chose to do chores that didn’t need to be done that day instead of directly telling hubby or just letting them go for a day. Frankly, I would have gone the direct hubby route. He is right in that she should have been explicit. He did screw up on the gift card, but all the hints for different things she wanted instead of saying I want this (brand, type of product, size, scent) could have made it difficult for him to figure out exactly what to get (that’s what too many choices does to me). Now they’re both disappointed: her because he didn’t meet her expectations and decided to do the chores herself, and him because she told him she was disappointed even though he started the day trying to do what she wanted. Some guys aren’t good at hints. Next time tell him I want “this” as my gift (not a bunch of vague item to pick from) or go put things in your favorite shop’s webcart and tell him to pick one or two (bonus is you get something you like but it’s still a surprise) and tell him to make reservations for “there” (or make them yourself for a place you have always wanted to eat at). Plus make it his responsibility to get the kids ready at least one weekend day all the time so HE learns how to wrangle two toddlers. Could he have done more? Sure, but she could have done less. Hello, is this the husband from the letter? You skipped the part about how she did give him fairly explicit instructions, and the part about how he yelled at her! I’ll excuse the flowers not being in a vase, but nothing else. Re Frustrated Sister-in-Law: You told the writer that she needs help from her husband, but while the writer mentions her mother-in-law lives with her, she doesn’t mention where her husband is in all this. Maybe he’s not helping her as he should be, or maybe there’s a reason he’s not around. I’d assume that if the writer needs to send her mother-in-law to see her son, there’s a reason why she needs her brother-in-law to step up and why her husband can’t take that on. I’m just wondering if there’s advice for her that includes the possibility that her husband is not there. It would be upsetting if she were stepping up to care for her mother-in-law with dementia, without the help of her husband (for whatever reason), and her medically trained brother-in-law refuses to follow medical instructions for his mother. And even if the husband is there—I mean, come on, she’s brother-in-law’s mother too! Why does BIL need handholding to follow directions? It is true that it didn’t occur to me that someone would live with their mother-in-law while the mother-in-law’s child was “not around.” But this would be a really unusual arrangement, or involve a tragedy, and I assume it would have been mentioned. When it comes to the brother-in-law, I also wish that he didn’t need hand-holding to follow directions, but the evidence suggests that he does. Refusing to provide them because of his incompetence would only hurt the mother-in-law. Re Dingbat Done: I totally realize this is about more than just boozy dessert. If we’re talking about a rum-soaked chocolate cake, why can’t the hubby make two cakes? Make one and keep that one booze free and the other boozy, and frost the ones that aren’t boozy or something. Or just make a special dessert for the kids and only the kids. Again, I realize this is more about dessert, so the dessert solution seems easy to deal with. But really, I think the husband feels put-upon, and they both resent the sister’s demands and really don’t want to accommodate her, even if it just means doubling a recipe. Today is my brother’s birthday. About a year ago, I cheated on my girlfriend and confided in him. My girlfriend has since forgiven me, and we’ve worked hard to move on and leave the past behind us, but she found out that my brother knew about my infidelity and has carried a hateful resentment ever since. She believes if he had any honor or respect for women then he would have ratted me out or at least tried harder to stop me.